9 years a blur....

From the age of 17 to 26, when I got pregnant with my daughter, I was heavily medicated. Later, it became the street drugs, but at first it was antidepressants, bipolar meds, sleeping meds.

I was hospitalized for the first time at 17. Suicide attempt. It wasn't though. I just felt something when I cut myself, I never really intended to take my own life.

This same year I tore my ACL and my best friend passed away. So I was not in a good place.

I was 17, the pressures of teenagehood, I had just lost what felt like my life and then someone dear to me. Of course I was fucking depressed. I'm sure Effexor XR and Depakote were not the answer.

I did see a therapist a couple of times. It never worked out.

The first time my parents took me to one the guy promised not to share anything that I shared with him with anyone and he told my parents everything. I was devastated. I felt betrayed. I never trusted a soul in this position ever again. And in rehab, you gotta do a lot of therapy.

I think it was after my second hospitalization that I went to an inpatient rehab the first time. I just didn't quite fit in. I did what they said and I played by the rules but I always felt like someone was constantly telling me there is something wrong with me when I didn't really see it that way.

At this point, I really wasn't using drugs addictively. My friends and I would have a few beers on the weekend and maybe do a little cocaine and ecstasy but we were just young, I didn't see it being a lifelong thing.

After my friend died, the guilt and the loss became too overwhelming. It wasn't long before I was taking Xanax regularly and binge drinking. I lost nearly all of my friends. Our group was mourning the loss of our friend and not spending as much time together and I really wasn't that much fun to be around.

I flipped my truck on an Orlando toll road and it was crushed to oblivion. It is truly amazing the amount of shit I have survived. How could I not share my crazy fucking story?

I started EMT and Firefighter training around age 19, so that helped me to have a place to direct my energy, no matter what kind it was. It certainly kept me going... for a while...

#mentalhealth #mystory #freedom #selflove #drugabuse. #mystory #freedom #selflove #drugabuse #addict #loss #previouslife