About age 7

I remember being a kid and feeling so angry. I can even say what came over me at any point I just remember saying this A LOT.

It should be noted that I gave zero memories from 0-7 (something I obviously need to address, I'm just not there yet). 0-7 is blank. It's like I didn't exist. And maybe in a sense of the word, I didn't. I can't even remember being in the gym until around then.

My anger improved mildly from 7-14, or at least maybe I wasn't as outward about it. I had learned to turn it inward. Stopped sharing my feelings, they didn't matter anyway. So much anger. Anger towards myself for feeling this way, being angry I couldn't and didn't know how to change it. I was consumed.

I was angry that my outlet for my feelings was more or less unavailable due to my elbow injury. Maybe I just felt like I would never be good enough (a very common theme in my life.)

How can a child who is supposed to be filled with love + light + spirit be the one to break themselves? We must unschool this terrible pattern of behavior in ourselves and in our own children.

I was always good at self sabotaging.

At 13, I got my period. I was immediately placed on birth control. I'm fairly convinced that the next 7 years of depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, and the like were due to the simple fact that I flooded my body with hormones and never learned to self-regulate them after puberty. Sure there were other factors, but hormones and chemicals play such a huge role at this developmental age.

By 14, I was cutting myself daily. I would take broken glass and slide it across my forearms and in other places where my clothes covered the wounds. The pain, the blood, the self infliction. Afterall, it was only my burden to bare. This feeling inside of me was mine and mine alone and I had no control or tools to try to understand it.